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Excerpt...
“Because I withdrew more and more I took on a sense of feeling
invisible. The longing I had to be recognized was fertile soil for
the festering anger that was growing inside of me. As I grew older
and knew I was no longer under the “control” of someone bigger
than me, I gave myself the freedom to express that anger without
fear of parental punishment. Each outburst revealed a child within
screaming, “Pay attention to me!”
“Do you have a friend who has just met the man of her dreams and
you are looking at that lump on the sofa, guzzling beer and
belching show tunes--and wondering where you went wrong? Shame on
you. Are you wearing the outside garments of humility while your
undergarments are bunched up because your neighbor just bought a
new car? Your lacy envy is showing.”
“ Though He is persistent, he does not force his way into our
lives. But that tugging at our hearts? That’s him. Standing in the
doorway, peeking in the window, waving his hands wildly to get our
attention—until we acknowledge him. Then he rejoices!”
Surrender
I have a confession to make—I
think. Perhaps it isn’t necessary, but I am not leaving anything
to chance. I may or may not give the impression that I have
successfully and completely transitioned from a struggling,
out-of-control misfit, to a living, breathing, saint. If that
is the impression that I have given even one person,
shame on me. That said, while I definitely haven’t been
canonized, I have gained new insights, and a realization of just
how far I have to go.
How Am I Doing So Far?
I never want to hear God say to
me, “Woe to you, hypocrite!” So with great trembling I daily ask
Him to keep me in line and tell me when I am messing up--and He
cheerfully obliges. Sometimes it’s not pretty. But that’s ok,
because my heart has finally been able to accept that He loves me,
I mean really loves me! I don’t have to play games with
Him, I don’t have to make excuses, and I don’t have to try to
impress anyone. That creates the freedom that comes from knowing
that I can do nothing to gain God’s love and—Alleluia, nothing to
lose it!
Are we there yet?
Often our relationship with God
is us trying to impress and excuse our bad behavior, all the while
trying to keep control of our miserable lives. Surrender frees us
and brings us to the reality that, surprise, God knows us
inside and out. He knows every flaw we try to hide, and every
misstep we try to cover up.
And if that weren’t enough
(drum role please), what surrender is not is a
once-and-finished event. It took me a long time to realize that,
which is why I felt I could never get it right. I can tell you,
there will always be moments my old self returns from the dark
recesses of that black hole I thought I had sent her off to, (I
shutter to think that she is still hanging around) Those are
moments when others just stare at me in disbelief: “What were you
thinking?” You know, they do that head wagging that says loud and
clear, “Poor thing, you’re hopeless.”
Yep, I used to think that too,
until one fateful day when I read a scripture verse, one I had
read hundreds of times before. But this time I got it!
Luke 9:23 says, “…If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny
himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow
Me.” Do you see it? He didn’t say, “Get it right the first time
or else.” He said, “Yes, life is hard and you will struggle and
make mistakes, and fall, again and again and again (you can throw
in a few more “agains” for me). But through my strength,
you will pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and begin again.”
And again. I am a new
creation in Christ, and so are you, every single day!
Praise be to God.
God’s richest blessings
to you and those you love,
Linda |
